In my opinion, the phrase “trauma bonding” is one of those psychological concepts (such as attachment styles and gaslighting) that has made its way into public consciousness — and has subsequently become misused through casual conversation.
How Do You Leave a Relationship Where Trauma Bonding Is Present?
Leaving a trauma-bonded relationship can not only feel scary for the person who was being abused, but it can also be truly unsafe for them to go. Leaving certain abusive situations can take a lot of careful planning, so when the person leaves, they are set up for a successful "escape" and have the tools available that they may need.
People fleeing abusive relationships or relationships that involve trauma bonding might need help financially, with housing, to find work or an income, to make plans for leaving (and staying safe after leaving), or even with compiling a list of names and contact details of safe people they can approach for help.
Once the person has found safety, it’s imperative to start psychotherapy (of any kind) and even consider joining a support group for survivors of domestic violence or other types of abuse. Trauma that impacts someone’s mental well-being can feel like untangling a ball of yarn — it’s messy, it likely doesn’t make much sense, it’s frustrating, and it can’t be unraveled without support. Most of the time, people recovering from abuse are under the impression that they are always the problem — this means they need even more reassurance and guidance to safely cope with the trauma they experienced. (Also read: 5 Steps to Working Through Trauma, According to a Therapist Who Works with First Responders)
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship or may be experiencing trauma bonding, learn more about it (you’re working on that right now) reach out to a therapist who specializes in helping folks who have been in abusive relationships of all kinds. Almost all therapists have training in working with survivors of abuse, but some will have that be their specialty and have deep training in many unique methods to support you and your healing.
Ideally, you should only leave a trauma-bonded relationship once you’ve created a safety plan. A safety plan involves having somewhere safe to go with support. There are a lot of support hotlines available that can help you and that offer 24/7 counseling over the phone or the internet, such as The National Domestic Violence Support Hotline. Remember: You’re not alone and don’t need to figure it out all on your own.
